As a child we often resent our parents for doing things we don't understand. As a mother we understand we may have to do things that our children will resent us for.
Daughter age 6
"All of this is yours... thats what my mom would constantly say ... I didn't understand it at the time because I was young and had so much resentment towards her. I finally understood it through her sickness and her death... that my mom always took care of me to the best of her capabilities" -Ivory
Throughout our daughterhood our understanding of why things happen is often limited. We usually can't see past our own anger, confusion, and resentment. We don't understand the struggles and sometimes demons our mothers have to fight through. Ivory learned that you don't need strength to let go of resentment. What you really need is understanding.
Welcome to her Kweendom.
Hello Beau2ful's Philosophy is, "Who we are as a daughter, influences who we are as a woman, and impacts who we are as a mother. I call this cycle our Kweendom. Tell me about your Kweendom.
Growing up I didn't have the traditional family that you see on tv. My mom had me when she was much older. The kids at school thought she was my grandmother because she had a head full of grey hair. That was hard for me because you know how kids could be. Other kids would have a house and their own rooms but we lived in a really small apartment and I never had my own bedroom. Another way we weren't traditional was my mother and grandmother had this dual parenting thing going on. From the age of 1 to about 12 I was literally shipped back and forth constantly from Philly with my mom to Maryland with my grandmother. At the time I just didn't understand why we couldn't be traditional. Looking back at it now is easy to say ... "well who has a traditional family anyway"... but then I just didn't understand. It was also hard because my dad wasn't around. I had a lot of resentment towards my dad for not being there and towards my mom. It wasn't until my teenage years that something finally clicked and I realized that they both were on drugs. Thats when I finally started to understand what was really going on.
My father had a heavy addiction. However, in my late teen years he found God, got sober, got a good job and found a great mentor. A few years before my sophomore year in college he started reaching out more really trying to be a better father and really turn his life around. The whole time he was reaching out to me and really committed to be being a better dad, he never told me he was dying. It's like right when I was just trying to understand him better and let go of all this resentment... he died. But here is the thing, during his last days when he was in the hospital unconscious, it was just me and him. He had no one else. For years I thought that he just didn't want me, but I finally understood that he was just batting his own battles and he did want me because I was all he had.
Growing up I always knew my mom was an alcoholic. She was always really emotional about painful things in her past. It wasn't until I was in high school that I found out she was also on drugs and every knew but me. She wasn't strung out or like a dope fiend or anything like that, in fact she was present and I was always cared for, but I still had so much resentment towards her. I was mad because she was older, mad because I felt like we we were poor, and mad that she was on drugs. It wasn't until I got older that I understood that it just wasn't her, her whole generation was plagued by drugs. That helped me see past her addiction and we became super close. I mean we were like homies. (LOL)
Our communication got better, we talked everyday and I realized my mom was always ride or die for me. I started to reflect on my childhood and I realize we actually didn't have a toxic relationship. My young mind just didn't understand her or her pain. We became super tight and then one day she was rushed to the hospital and never woke up. The doctors pronounced her brain dead and once again I found myself right at the cusp of healing with someone who was unconscious. The time that followed was very hard. I was really going to commit to taking care of her but my family reminded me that I needed to finish school, so we placed her in care. She passed away 5 years ago and it was in her sickness and death that I learned how much she really took care of me.
My mother use to always say "Ivory all of this is yours if anything ever happens to me everything is yours." She would point to things in or small apartment and tell me things were mine. At the time I was so resentful I didn't understand what she meant and til this day I am still wondering if she knew something was going to happen because she had so many systems in place to make sure I would be taken care of. When she passed away everything she owned rolled onto me seamlessly. I had a college dorm room and apartment with rent that was only $44. The bills were minimal, I literally didn't have to worry about anything. I left college debt free and bought a house fully furnished with all of her stuff. It's like the whole time I didn't understand that she was taking care of me to the best of her capability... but she understood.
When it comes to my daughter I will say that the way I grew up made me realize that there will be times she will be mad at me or even hate me (LOL) Her young mind just wont understand, but it's my job to understand for her and take care of her the best way I know how. Hopefully I will live long enough to get through any rough times we may have.
Share a challenging issue you've had to deal with raising your daughter. Please share how you overcame it or how you're still working on it.
My daughter has what has been diagnosed as a developmental delay. While she is head strong, smart, and highly active she has trouble with her motor skills, speech, and overall physical ability. I am her advocate. I have learned that I can not solely rely on teachers, doctors, and specialist to tell me what is good for her. I am her mom. I am her most reliable advocate. I am the one that really understand her. Realizing this has helped tremendously with navigating her diagnosis. I have found that allowing my daughter to continue with the activities that she might have difficulties completing, (i.e. riding a bike, playing on the jungle gym) instead of holding her back, strengthens her abilities. She might not be good at it but she can do it. It also builds her confidence. My daughter is a beautiful rambunctious 6-year-old that navigates the world without letting her disability stop her from getting her way. I love her and I am so proud of her.
Whats your favorite thing about having a daughter?
My favorite thing about having a daughter is that she looks like me. I love that there will be another me here to roam the planet when I am no longer here. Like, in essence I’ll still be here.
In what ways are you and your daughter similar and in what ways are you different?
Omgggg she is so much like me I haven't seen anything that is different. I mean...she is soooo much like my Ugh! (LOL)
She does not listen.
She has my face.
She is full of personality.
She is stubborn.
She is determined.
She is loud.
She loves her family.
She has a bad temper.
Life often throws us lemons. If you can teach your daughter one life lesson what would it be?
I would teach her not to harp on insecurities. Harping on insecurities hold you back from being your best self. It holds you back from living brilliantly in your truth and sometimes postpones the blessing that God has in store for you. I would teach her to love herself no matter her size, her skin color, her hair texture, her body shape etc. I want her to know that she is DOPE, in every stage of her life because God made her that way.
Love is an action word. In what ways have you shown your daughter/s she is loved and how she should be loved?
Honestly, while my actions of love are constant, I spend a much time with my daughter as I can. I also buy her as many chips and pretzels as her heart desires. (She loves chips and pretzels LOL) I tell her I love her as much as I can. I want her to really understand how much I love her. I hold her little cute face, stare into her eyes and I tell her. “You are loved.” “You are beautiful.” “You are smart.” “You are strong.” And most importantly “Jesus loves you.” I know she understands me.
Kbeau2ful's Final Thoughts:
What happens when your journey to healing seems like it ends before it can truly begin? It's easy to criticize, condemn, and be resentful, but it's harder to be forgiving and understanding. Ivory's story teaches us that true healing comes from a place of understanding. Understanding that everyone's story is not traditional. Understanding the horrors of addiction. Understanding that your resentment often keeps you from seeing someone else's truth. All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to continue the healing journey of discovering them.