Updated: Sep 5, 2020
We try to be strong for our children but when we are weak its their strength that makes us strong.
Daughter age 10
"When I got the phone call, I immediately hit the floor screaming. Then a few seconds later I remembered my daughter was upstairs. So I literally got up, wiped my tears, went to her room, told her to pack a bag, and she went to her father's house. I just found out my son was murdered but I found strength knowing that I had to be strong for her. She has been my strength ever since." -Max
Motherhood is not easy. As mothers we have dreams for our children but we also have nightmares that keep us up at night. One of those nightmares came true for Maxayn when she tragically lost her middle son Jahsun on November 25th, 2017. Max used strength that only God could provide to take all her pain and morph it into a non profit organization #Jahworld18 Yet, God wasn't her only source of strength. The thought of being strong for her daughter got her through some of her toughest days.
Welcome to her Kweendom.
Hello Beau2ful's Philosophy is, "Who we are as a daughter, influences who we are as a woman, and impacts who we are as a mother. I call this cycle our Kweendom. Tell me about your Kweendom.
Growing up I didn't live with my mother until I was 9. In fact, one day when I was 9 my "Aunty" came to pick me up and told me I was leaving with her. It was like she kid-napped me. (LOL) Thats when I found out my "Aunty" was actually my mother.
That transition was hard for me. I didn't feel like I belonged. My light skin and light eyes were constant reminders that I didn't belong. I will say that I truly love my mother, but during this time it wasn't the best relationship. You know my mother grew up during a time where people were treated certain ways based off of their skin shade. I was the lightest one and I think that brought up things that caused jealousy.
I am in my 40's but it took me sometime to become the woman that I am now. I found God in my 30's and I was finally able to truly stand in my worth. This allowed me to really look at my mother and understand why she was the way she was AND still love her no matter what. Our relationship is so much better now and I thank God for that.
When it comes to being a mother I honestly think God put something in me to help me raise my kids as well as I have. It had to be God because I really didn't have a blueprint in front of me. For instance, I always talk to them and allow them to tell me things that I may not have gotten right as their mom. That is something I was never allowed to do as a daughter. In fact, there are so many unanswered questions, that I will never ask my mother.... because now I know she CAN'T answer them. I understand now that she won't answer them because it will make her have to reflect on herself. That reflection will bring up things that she may not be proud of or things that are too painful. That is something she has to be healed from. So I leave it where it is and still love her.
When it comes to my daughter I will say that the way I grew up does make me very protective of her. She has my eyes, my light skin , and she has beautiful long hair. The #colorism I experienced growing up especially in school, makes me feel so protective of her. In fact, I have her in a multicultural school because, I hate to say it, but I know how hateful we are towards our own people. It's sad. So I think thats one experience from my daughterhood that has impacted my motherhood.
Share a challenging issue you've had to deal with raising your daughter. Please share how you overcame it or how you're still working on it.
When I got the phone call that Jahsun died, I immediately hit the floor screaming. Then a few seconds later I remembered my daughter was upstairs. So I literally got straight up, wiped my tears, went to her room, and told her to pack a bag. I called her dad and had him pick her up. I didn't tell her what happened right away. In the beginning, I really felt like I had to be strong for her. If I wanted to cry I would cry in the shower so she wouldn't see. I thought I was helping her but she ended up helping me.
Even though I also have an older son, I really think if I didn't have my daughter I wouldn't have been able to push through. She is the one that got me to go outside for the first time a few months after it happened. She kept wanting to ride her bike but I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to see sunshine. But one day I was like "okay I cant keep doing this to her." So I got up, I went outside, I got some fresh air and it was like... "ok Max this is Step 1".
Then that Christmas after, she really wanted to put a up a tree. I didn't want to put up a stupid Christmas tree! But I did it for her. I was mad as hell putting it up! (LOL) But I still did it. That was Step 2. It's like her wanting to live and still enjoy life didn't allow me to dwell in the dark places I just wanted to lay in. That was our biggest challenge.
Now a challenge is isolation with Covid-19. A few months after my son died we moved in with my mom, so that was a major change for her. She wasn't comfortable. We moved from a big house to a smaller one. Now with quarantine, and her being in that weird adolescent stage where she wants space and wants to be with he friends; the isolation is very challenging. Especially since she really wants space because she is an amazing dancer. Right before Covid we were going to sign her up for professional classes and now we cant do that. She just wants space to dance. So for now I let her dance all over the house.
Whats your favorite thing about having a daughter?
Babydolls and cute things (LOL) Girrrlll... I had two boys I was so sick and tired of seeing their ugly toys. (LOL) We get to do our nails and wear pretty dresses. I love it.
In what ways are you and your daughter similar and in what ways are you different?
Wheewww Chillleee (LOL) We are so similar in so many ways. We are both very strong. Now how we are different....(LOL) is she is way more vocal than I was. We weren't allowed to be as open as she is, we were stifled. She is never disrespectful, but she will tell you what is on her mind and she is not afraid to use her voice. I sometimes have to catch myself and remind myself that this is how I raised her and she is allowed to tell me how she really feels. She is wise beyond her years.
Life often throws us lemons. If you can teach your daughter one life lesson what would it be?
No matter what happens keep pushing through. You are stronger than you think. Before Jah died I started my #WomenofValor74 organization. I wanted to give young girls who experienced sexual abuse a safe space and a way to use their voice. I was sexually abused and I think too often in families its kept on the hush. I am starting that work back up again and also doing women empowerment workshops as a Life Coach. I think it is important for all girls and women to know how strong they are and to keep pushing.
Kbeau2ful's Final Thoughts:
Max's story of strength is inspiring. It is a reminder that even in our darkest moments, our children lead us to the light. It is a reminder that when we are weak and pray to God for strength he sends it to us in the smallest packages. We often think shielding our pain from them shows them how to be strong. But thats not it. It is seeing our pain and also witnessing how we continue to live and push through it that gives them beau2ful strength.