Updated: Sep 12, 2020
As mothers how we choose to live our lives, teach our children wether or not they should follow in our footsteps.
Daughters age 7 and 10
"I am just grateful she was woman enough to give us up instead of trying to keep us. There are some people who clearly should not be mothers and choose to keep their children just so they can say..." well at least I still have my kids." They end up traumatizing their children... so I am grateful my biological mom was brave enough to give us up." ~Gina
As daughters, we often want to emulate our mothers. The way they wear their hair, the way they dress, even the jobs they have, are all appealing to us. We want to be exactly like them when we grow up. But what happens when the steps your mother has taken don't lead to path you want to follow? Ngina learned that in the moments where she felt completely lost she had to rely on her foundation and follow her own footsteps back to being herself again.
Welcome to her Kweendom.
Hello Beau2ful's Philosophy is, "Who we are as a daughter, influences who we are as a woman, and impacts who we are as a mother. I call this cycle our Kweendom. Tell me about your Kweendom.
I just didn't want to be a product of my environment. I didn't want to be what everybody thought I was going to be. They would say things like "Oh, she'll end up pregnant with babies." I wanted to be the complete opposite of what my mother ended up being. Well I should say biological mom. Unfortunately, I was not as blessed as others who have a great relationship with their mothers. I was in foster care since I was 6 years old and my mom died when I was 12. I was bounced around from foster home to foster home until I found my foster mom at 11. I still call her mom until this day.
I was a rebellious daughter. I was that child felt unloved and didn't care about anybody or their feelings no matter how good they were to me. I was 15 when I moved out of her house. I never felt like that was my place because they weren't my real parents and they didn't love me the way that they love their biological kids. That's just how I felt at the time. I felt very unloved. I moved in with my boyfriend and although I was rebelling I was still super smart! I still went to school and made it into college. Looking back now I can see y foster mom loved me. I can see the many ways my foster mom set up foundations for me to be a strong independent woman. She was a working mom and even though she was married she didn't rely on anyone to support her. She taught me not to focus solely on falling in love but to focus on loving myself first. I followed her footsteps in so many ways. She worked in the medical field and I was in love with being in her office. That left an imprint on me so much. I just recently started my own Home Health Care business #CaringAngelsAgencyLLC. It funny how sometimes we emulate people without really realizing it. She definitely molded me. She definitely taught me to be strong, she taught me so many lessons. But I must say my biological mother taught me a valuable lesson too, not to walk in her footsteps.
I didn't want to be like her and I know in my heart she didn't want me to walk in her footsteps and repeat her wrongdoings. I know thats not what she wanted for us and I know how terrible that decade was with the drug epidemic. I am just grateful she was woman enough to give us up instead of trying to keep us. There are some people who clearly should not be mothers and choose to keep their children anyway. Its like they take pride in being able to say ..." Well at least I still have my kids." But I honestly think they end up traumatizing their children. You can't keep children in an unsafe environment. So I am grateful my biological mom was brave enough to give us up.
I am also grateful that I learned how to find myself again. I think as women we try so hard to make sure everything is perfect. We want to be perfect wives, make sure the house is perfectly clean, and make sure we are the perfect mothers. At one point I was so lost in trying to make sure everything was perfect, I lost myself. I had to follow my own footsteps back to myself. After I had my last daughter, I had a complete meltdown! In fact it was looking at my nails that was the breaking point. (LOL)
At this point in time I was a brand new wife, I had a brand new baby, my husband started a brand new trucking job, I was trying to do well in school, I had my older son and my other daughter to take care of... trying to balance all of this felt like the walls were closing in on me. I wasn't seeing my friends, I never went out with just my girls, I was completely consumed in my roles as a mother and wife. I didn't feel like myself anymore. One day I looked down at my nails and I honestly could not remember the last time I actually got my nails done. Getting my nails and eyebrows done routinely was my favorite self care alone time. But looking down at my nails, my mind was completely blank. I couldn't remember the last time I did something to take care of myself. It was like my mind was screaming..."WHO AM I." I... BROKE... ALL...THE... WAY... DOWN! I called my husband and he was like...should I come home and I was crying like... "YEEESSSS! I NEED A MOMENT TO JUST BREATHE!" Eventually with some self care, time with my girlfriends, and finding a balance help me get back to myself.
My prayer is that the things I am doing would set a good foundation for my children. Especially my girls. I am brutally honest with my kids. My conversations may be different with my son who is now a young adult, then with my girls, but I don't sugarcoat anything with them. I want my girls to know that there is strength in women. I want them to learn to stand in their own strength. I want them to be courageous and never be afraid to take footsteps to move forward.
Share a challenging issue you've had to deal with raising your daughter/s. Please share how you overcame it or how you're still working on it.
Girl!!!! Explaining the riots and this pandemic to my girls has been a REAL challenge. My oldest daughter has really bad anxiety about the Corona Virus. I just didn't understand where she was getting all this information from that was making her panic so much. I found out it was from TikTok! We have to be very carefully with the apps our children are using. TikTok is not all about having fun and making dance videos. There is very misleading information on there and our children are just soaking it up.
I also had to have a very tough conversation with her about racism. She asked me why white people hate black people. I was speechless. I pride myself in being brutally honest with my children but I honestly did not have a direct answer for her. She broke down in tears and it broke my heart. I am still trying to navigate explaining the inexplicable to her.
If your daughter has special needs or disabilities please share your experience and any resources you've found that may help other superhero moms.
My youngest daughter has a short term memory which causes a learning disability. What may take a child 10 minutes to complete, it takes her about an hour. She needs constant reinforcement and I make sure i am very patent with her. We love reading and sounding out words. One resource that has been super helpful is ABC Mouse.
If you have more than one daughter how do you celebrate their differences and share your time?
I do TikTok videos with my oldest daughter and I draw with my youngest. I do makeup with the both of them.
In what ways are you and your daughters similar and in what ways are you different?
My oldest daughter is very girly like me , she wants to be just like me in every way. My youngest daughter is straight forward like me and so honest even if it gets her into trouble. Ways we are different is my oldest is loud, I am not. My youngest needs help a lot but I am more of a self starter. I try my best to be very patient with her.
Kbeau2ful's Final Thoughts:
Ngina's story teaches us that it is very possible to lose ourselves. We get completely lost in our titles as wives and mothers that we often loose our identity. I want to remind you that you were (Insert your first name) before you were any other title. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself Who Am I? If you can't remember I challenge you to do more self care and go on a journey to find yourself. You may be surprised where your footsteps will lead you.