As mothers we often try to quickly push through our pain, trauma, or grief to be there for our children. But just like the butterfly we have to endure the full process no matter how painful in order to transform into something beau2ful.
Daughters age 6 and 3
"But strangely I am grateful for the perspective my trauma has afforded me. Victim is certainly not something I would ever use to define myself because I don't define myself by the things that have happened to me. I am who I am as a result of some of these things, but I do not allow those things to define who I am ." -Mari
As women we often take pride in" having it all together." We plaster a smile on our face and keep marching through despite our past hurt, pain or trauma. But what happens when the grief is too much to keep going but you try to force yourself to anyway? Mari learned through her pain that it is perfectly okay to not being okay.
Welcome to her Kweendom.
Hello Beau2ful's Philosophy is, "Who we are as a daughter, influences who we are as a woman, and impacts who we are as a mother. I call this cycle our Kweendom. Tell me about your Kweendom.
I can definitely say I had an interesting daughterhood. I had a very good relationship with my mother. Although, my father wasn't around it was okay because my family was extremely loving. There were a lot of things that impacted my daughterhood... some great and some not so much. On one hand life was fabulous and wonderful, one can even say it was idyllic. On the other hand there were some painful moments in my life that really changed my perspective and challenged the way that I viewed myself. These traumatic events were catered to on a physically level. You see, within our communities we tend to make sure the physical aspect of the person who was hurt is taken care of. What I mean is we make sure the "victims" body is ok and no longer harmed. But for me, when I went through my traumatic event, I felt like no one knew to check on me mentally or emotionally.
Historically what usually happens is... something traumatic happens and it's common knowledge to deal with the physical lasting affects. The problem is the emotional and mental harm never really get addressed. Since it's not common knowledge to check on the emotional and mental pain, a cycle develops. Something happens, our first instinct is to only check the physical pain, the other pain falls by the wayside, and then something else happens, and thus the cycle continues. Growing up I didn't really have an understanding on how much I was affected by some of these events. I didn't realize how much I still needed to heal from some of these things and that affected my relationship with my mother. It certainly took some work but thankfully along the way... we got to a much better place.
My experience with pain from my daughterhood was transformative but definitely not defining. "Victim" is certainly NOT something I would ever use to define myself because I don't define myself by the things that happened to me. I am who I am as a result of some of these things, but they will never define who I am. However, when you're a person that has had that kind of pain it tends to manifests in different ways. Anxiety, trust issues, you name it. But strangely I am grateful for the perspective my trauma has afforded me. I am grateful for it because I do think that when you survived and come up on the other side of some crappy things, it gives you this strength that you didn't even know you had. It's easy to let the pain eat away at you, nibble at your spirit, and try to devour the essence of who you are. It's during those times you have to tap into that hidden strength even when you don't think you have the capacity. I had to learn this a few years ago when my beautiful mother died.
Losing her was a level of pain thats indescribable. At first, I tried to rush through my grief process. One of the hardest things you ever have to do in life is try to be positive, upbeat, and Okay, when YOU ARE NOT OKAY! It was extremely difficult for me. My girls were much smaller, and I was not only navigating grief for myself, but also navigating the grief for my oldest daughter who had a relationship with my mom. Then on top of that still having to deal with my youngest daughter, who was pretty much obliviously to what was really going on, but can sense that her family was hurting. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My kids deserved more than what I felt like I was capable of giving. I was trying desperately to be everything they needed and also trying not to fall into, despair and depression.
You know as women we are expected to just kind of like, swallow down grief, trauma, or pain... like suck it up, stand up and keep it moving. It's like this expectation that we don't get to have a minute. Can we please just have a damn minute?! I really wish as a society we can just normalize not being okay. I was trying to be okay and rush through my grief and that when anxiety slowly creeped in. I had to tap into that strength and be strong enough to say YOU ARE NOT OKAY! I had to tell myself, "you have to feel your feelings, there is no skipping around, and there is no fast forwarding". That is why I say I am grateful for the perspective my pain has given me. I learned to embrace not being okay through my pain.
Love is an action word. In what ways have you shown your daughter/s she is loved and how she should be loved?
My mother constantly spoke life into me and my sisters. It didn't matter what we encountered in this world. The words of affirmations that she poured into us gave us that self love and self respect we needed to combat anything this world could throw at us. That is something I have carried into my motherhood. I breathe life into my girls every chance that I can get. I tell them daily affirmations. With my oldest her affirmation are the B's...I say to her everyday "You are beautiful, blessed, brilliant, and brave, these are what you are my love." With my youngest her affirmations are the C's... I say to her everyday " You are courageous, caring, curious, and cuuutttee, these are what you you are my love."
Whats your favorite thing about having daughters?
I enjoy watching life through their perspectives. I love seeing them live life and experience life.
What has being a mother to your daughters taught you?
Patience, perseverance, and real love because you know, the love that you feel for a child is a different, completely different type of love.
Kbeau2ful's Final Thoughts:
Behind every beautiful thing, theres some kind of pain. I recently studied the transformation of a butterfly. When we were younger they taught us that a caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon and out pops a butterfly some time later. What they didn't teach us is the caterpillar becomes completely liquified in that cocoon. OUCH! THE CATERPILLAR IS NOT OKAY SIS! The butterfly that emerges does not look like what it's been through.
Mari's story teaches us the beauty in being ok with not being okay. We don't have to have it all figured out, we don't have to show up with a smile when we are sad, and we don't have to keep it moving when we "just need a damn minute." Mari, I want you to know you are Amazing, Able, and freaking Awesome... these are what you are my love.