Updated: Sep 10, 2020
As women our quest to finding ourselves often leaves behind broken pieces in our children's path.
Daughter age 18
" I absorbed their characteristics, their beliefs, and their ideologies. They molded me and shaped me into the woman they each wanted to see. The problem is the woman they created wasn't who God wanted me to be. My Identity was torn into pieces." -Tamara
As women we often carry broken pieces from our childhood, that cut into our womanhood, and bleed into our motherhood. Tamara learned that holding onto these pieces of herself, was hindering her from becoming who God needed her to be. She had to let go, even if that meant her relationship with her daughter would never be the same.
Welcome to her Kweendom.
Hello Beau2ful's Philosophy is, "Who we are as a daughter, influences who we are as a woman, and impacts who we are as a mother. I call this cycle our Kweendom. Tell me about your Kweendom.
To most people having three women raise you seems like a blessing. Growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my mother. She was a functioning addict so I was raised by my Grandmother and Aunt. We were Hebrew Israelites so life was church and church was life (LOL) To most people having different strong woman influence their life would make them well rounded, but for me I felt like I was being raised in three different worlds. I was like a sponge soaking up three different personalities. I absorbed their characteristics, their beliefs, and their ideologies. They molded me and shaped me into the woman they each wanted to see. The problem is the woman they created wasn't who God wanted me to be. My Identity was torn into pieces.
I brought all the pieces of my broken identity into my womanhood and motherhood. When I first had my daughter I was the "cool" mom. Now I don't want you to think I was the mom that thinks she is her daughter's friend instead of her mother, I definitely had boundaries. But at the same time I was wild, fun, and enjoying life. I worked a lot and I was a single mother, so every summer I would send her off to be with my sister, my aunt, or my mother. At this point my mother and I were working on our relationship and I was grateful for the help. However, the cycle of pieces continued. I would raise my daughter one way and give clear expectations, and my mother, aunt, and sister would raise her according to their way. One day I realized my daughter was no longer a piece of me she was pieces of everyone else. I knew something had to change and I knew it had to start with me.
I began searching for the missing piece in my life. Who is the woman I am suppose to be without influences from anyone else? What can I do to mend all these broken pieces? There was only one person who can can make me fully whole. Only one person who truly knew who I was because He knew me before I was even born. Jesus Christ. 7 years ago I got saved and I've never been the same since. Not only did I find myself but I found the love of my life who was also saved, and we got married. Finally I felt like all the broken pieces were mending together. What I didn't realize was as I was coming together my daughter and I were drifting apart.
I was no longer the same person, which means I was no longer the same mother. The mom who was once wild and carefree, was now strict, and had moral guidelines. The single mom that had lots of free time, now had to share my time between my children my spouse, and my ministries in church. My daughter didn't recognize this new me. I think she blamed the transformation on the new man in my life. I think my family blamed him too, especially since we now have different religious beliefs. What they didn't realize was I did change for a man, but it was God not my husband. (LOL) I tried desperately to cling to my daughter. I even started a business that we can run together. #BriBJeweled At first it was great but then she started to drift away even more. Eventually we had a big blow out and she ended up moving in with my mother. I was heartbroken. I prayed that our relationship would get back to what it use to be. As weeks turned into months, I realized that she may not return... so I started pouring myself into the one thing I had left of her... my business.
I went hard for my business. This was mine and no one could take this away from me. I had to fight all my life and I was determined to not lose this thing that we created. My business boomed! I climbed the ranks quickly, my teams were expanding like wild fire, and now a few years later I finally see all the success. But in all honestly, I feel like I have no one to share it with. My husband's work schedule is hectic so we only see him on set weekends. My son is now a teenager with only a few years left before he goes to college. It's like one day I looked up and he was taller than me. My daughter continued to stay with my mom and is now 18. She visits but she never stays long because my time is split between her and this empire I created. I've now learned that my spirit became whole but my family and my time are now in pieces. The only one who can fully mend it again is God, so I continue to pray that He will make us whole again.
Share a challenging issue you've had to deal with raising your daughters. Please share how you overcame it or how you're still working on it.
We lost connection once I got married. Blending a family showed me a lot of what I didn’t know about my relationship with my daughter, and my own relationship with myself. We needed our own time and somewhere down the line jealousy took over. We are still working on that and trying to continue to move past it all. I mostly prayed for 2 years that God would intervene. I had to come to grips with myself and be willing to let her go. I didn’t want to feel guilty as if i didn’t care about her, but if I didn’t it would have drove me crazy. Today we are communicating more. God is good.
Life often throws us lemons. If you can teach your daughter one life lesson what would it be?
Pray often. If you cant talk to anyone, try your best to talk to GOD. He certainly answers prayers, even when you think he’s not listening....…He is!
Love is an action word. In what ways have you shown your daughter/s she is loved and how she should be loved?
By being there for her regardless of how long we were apart. I’ve always been here and I always will.
Kbeau2ful's Final Thoughts:
Tamara's story is a brutally honest look at the complex relationship between a mother and daughter. When we are younger we idolize the women in our lives. We want to be just like them. Eventually our perspective sharpens and we realize that we can't be them ...we have to find ourselves. Tamara's quest to find herself lead to drastic changes in her life. Changes that her daughter didn't fully understand or recognize. Now Tamara's daughter is on her own quest to finding herself. As mothers all we can do is pray that the good pieces of life lessons that we've laid out in our children's path will one day lead them back home.
Instagram: @BriJeweled @Mrsosogreen